You're
So Vain
Back
in the 70's Carly Simon had a great hit with You're So Vain ...
the lyrics then went on ... you're so vain, bet you think this
song is about you, don't you, don't you ...
Every
boyfriend that Carly had ever had thought the song was about him
... they chose to read themselves into the lyrics with fine detail.
30 years on, she revealed that the song was actually aimed at
the head of the record studio who was not supporting her career.
No boyfriend in the lyrics but what drama they'd created for themselves.
I
had a similar experience this week, that made me realise how people
can create movies for themselves that have nothing to do with
reality.
Having
written last week about being at a meeting where a woman chose
to arrive looking like she'd just rolled out of bed, I had at
least four people contact me, apparently deeply hurt, because
I was obviously talking about them.
Buzzer
- ZZZZZZZ. Wrong.
You're
so vain bet you think this song is about you ....
Have
you ever had that happen ... you've heard part of a conversation
and thought they were making veiled references to you? Or worse,
you enter a room just as people stop talking and you assume they've
been gossiping about you?
Why
do we jump to conclusions that if it's bad it must be about me?
Could it be that we are too ready to believe bad things about
ourselves?
We
had an interesting Monday Group a couple of weeks ago where an
attendee pushed people's buttons. I'm really grateful to them
because they gave us a great opportunity to each examine ourselves
and find out why our buttons were pushed. You see, I come from
the place that if your buttons are pushed, there's a raw nerve
... and that raw nerve must still be part of you. It's telling
you that there's an area to contemplate or work on.
When
we feel attacked, we rarely go to our positive spiritual side.
We go to the animal side of us ... attack back. During a disagreeable
business discussion once I wanted to tell the other guy to calm
down and not take things so darn seriously. He was a family friend
so I said to him "This is not that big a deal. Why don't
you take some time off and just go fishing". My innocent
(and I thought caring) comment blew into something else ... World
War Three. I couldn't believe that fishing had so many negative
meanings.
One
of the best defences against feeling attacked in the first place
is to adopt the title from Terry Cole-Whittaker's book What
You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business.
Everyone
has an opinion and their opinion is based on their filters, biases,
and experiences. You are a very small part of the equation even
if "this song is about you". You cannot control opinions.
If I worried about what people think of me, my talks or our teachings,
I'd go crazy. What you think of me is none of my business. I have
no control over it and so I'd rather spend time working on what
I can control.
Can
I listen and make adjustments if I hear something that sounds
constructively valid? Of course. But I'll also examine your motivation
for making the comments ... is it about me or about you?
I
once owned a restaurant and had a customer proclaim that the food
was the worst he'd ever had. After he left, the customer at the
next table offered to pay for the complainer's meal, saying he
was travelling the world eating in restaurants and it was the
best food he'd had on the trip. I learned there and then (a) that
there are some people you'll never satisfy, (b) that, like beauty,
it's all in the eye of the beholder, and (c) that what's inside
a person affects how they perceive everything in their life.
What
does all that lead to? Know who you are and what your journey
is. Adjust when you - not someone else - feels an adjustment is
necessary. Even simpler ... Be the I Am ... nothing more, nothing
less.
